PhDs and Perfectionism

Encouragement from Dr. Brown is gonna get me through this!

Something big happened this past semester. I made a commitment to taking the next step with my degree, and completed my oral exams. I am officially a PhD candidate and have been approved to move forward with my research. If you know me, this is pretty momentous.

I've been sitting on this egg for awhile. So long, in fact, that I learned through the process of setting up my exams that I actually ran out of time to work on my degree two summers ago. I am currently waiting to hear back on my appeal for an extension. As I wrote the letter explaining my need for more time and outlining my steps to complete my degree in a timely fashion from here, it was an opportunity to reflect on this journey to PhD. Where I have been. Where I am at. Where I need to go.

I feel like a totally different person now than the person I was when I started back in January 2008. That woman was a brand new student affairs professional who somewhat reluctantly agreed to take a class with some colleagues who just wanted to "try it out." All three of us then found ourselves enrolling in a program. I didn't know what it felt like to not be in the classroom. My entire identity had revolved around being a student for 24 years.

When I look at who I am now, it is just so different. Since starting PhD program, I have moved back to my hometown, changed jobs, changed my research topic, changed my advisor, got married, and am now looking to what is ahead for me and my newly-formed family. As I wrote about life changes in my appeal letter, part of me really wanted to write: "What I most look forward to is being done and not being a student any more. That's my assurance to you that I will work to achieve my new deadline. I've got other sh*t to do and dreams to achieve. I am finally ready to check this one off the list. P.S. No one is more annoyed than me that I've taken so long."

I also couldn't bring myself to write that one of my delays is because I have had more than one moment of feeling like "who the heck am I to be doing this?" I have written about that before. It took me two years to get to a place of confidence to have someone else look at the proposal I had written and give feedback, and another 9 months before I was ready to send it to my advisor for the first time. I was so nervous about her feedback, that I wouldn't open her e-mail and notes for months after that. I was afraid her edits would question the worthiness of my proposed study,

It's not that I've ever forgotten that I'm a student. It is that it is easier to push that identity aside rather than spend time dealing with why this has been so hard. To fill my life with other distractions like reading books for fun and kitty snuggles. I am not lazy - in many of those moments of kitten snuggles, I was up in my own head, thinking about my work. I was not procrastinating for the heck of it. It is the perfectionist in me that pushed aside my work and thought that it wasn't good enough to share. That if I passed it on to my advisor, she would tear it apart or deem that the topic for which I am incredibly passionate and that I was ready to invest my time into researching further wasn't a worthwhile study. After I finally opened them, I kicked myself because there wasn't even that much I needed to change. I could have completed my oral exams months earlier and already have been well into my research.

This is my constant struggle. I wish that I could guarantee that the self doubt is gone. I am sure it isn't. But I just have to push past it and chug along. Passing my exams gave me that first big push. And now IRB has given me approval to proceed, participant recruitment is underway, and I've set my finish date as May 2016. I couldn't be more excited to actually be able to start collecting data and learning from the participants' experiences.

Momentum.

Two Training Plans - Part One

I'm the one with the purple elbow.

This past weekend, I had an awesome time running The Color Run 5K in Racine. It felt so good to get in my second 5K, and I have even more big races ahead. I am officially signed up to do the Brewers Half Marathon in September!

My running has been what you might call intermittent lately. As has my writing. I did best last spring/summer, when I stuck to a running plan with a prescribed schedule. I am thinking that will help me, not only for running, but writing as well. So here is my plan to make significant progress in both areas of my life, in two parts. Running first.

My initial goal was to be ready to do the Lighthouse 10 Mile Run by June 15th. When that didn't seem possible anymore, I signed up for the Rock N Sole Quarter Marathon. That gives me just a few weeks to get back to 6.5 miles. I also went through and registered for all of the races that I plan to do this summer. Committing to that payment makes it a lot less likely that I am going to back out.  

Running Schedule

Week of May 21
Run 1: 2 miles
Run 2: 3 miles
Run 3: The Color Run Racine 5K
Run 4: 5 miles

Week of May 20
Run 1: 3 miles
Run 2: 3 miles
Run 3: 2 miles
Run 4: 6 miles

Week of June 3
Run 1: 2 miles
Run 2: 3 miles
Run 3: 3 miles
Run 4: 4 miles

Week of June 10
Run 1: 2 miles
Run 2: 3 miles
Run 3: 2 miles
Run 4: Rock n' Sole Quarter Marathon - 6.5 miles

I am a few weeks (okay, months) behind where I would like to be at this point, but I am committed to sticking to this and making time for running.

Hope to see you out on the road. Let me know if you'd like to do a race together.

 

My Secret

A few weeks ago, my sister asked me, "Hey, have you ever heard about the Impostor Phenomenon?"

My response was, "No, tell me more about it."

She described the idea that people, more often women, tend to doubt their successes. They don't deserve the promotion they got. They only got the grade they did on a paper because of luck. They have tricked people into thinking that they are smarter or better at their jobs than they really are. And they worry that someone is going to "figure them out." That people look at them and know that they are not deserving.

She asked if I thought I was experiencing some of this while writing my dissertation. And that's when it clicked for me, that I feel that way, 85-90% of the time.

I constantly worry that it comes across as lazy. That I am procrastinating writing. Or that I'm just not committed to this - that I don't really want my PhD. When my reality is that I spend so much time trying to work through all of the crap in my head and to convince myself that I can really do this. That I am never able to get out of my head, and I am thinking about this all the time. I'll put on my "dissertation sweatshirt" and get myself all situated in my ideal writing environment. And I'll have the best intentions. But then I stare at my screen, not able to put together a simple sentence for hours. Me, the confident writer who works well with deadlines and was known for throwing papers together at the last minute like it was nothing back in grad school, pissing off everyone else. Don't think I don't doubt the grades that I got on those too...

It makes me cry. And usually, it keeps me from sleeping at night.

Because I want to believe that I am good enough and smart enough and committed enough to finish this. But that voice in the back of my head tells me otherwise. It tells me that I didn't work as hard as other people for this, so I shouldn't have the same degree that they do. That every sentence I am putting down is crap. That I shouldn't even both doing my oral exams because clearly they are going to reject this proposal and then I've wasted their time. That no one will participate in my interviews. That I am in no way deserving of a doctorate for what is essentially my first major research project. That when people ask me what my topic is, and I explain it, that they think it is not worthwhile. That I'm a phony. That I am bound to fail. That I am wasting this enormous privilege that I've been given. Who the heck do I think I am to even be attempting this?

I am my own worst enemy. And this really sucks. And it is so very lonely to live in constant disappointment of myself. And I don't know how to get past it and just finish this thing.

In case you were curious, that is my secret. The one I sent in on Sunday, that I couldn't hold in any more. In fewer words.

There. I've said it. Now why is it so much easier to write this than it is to write a literature review?

Writing Week: Day Three Reflections

Back in the day, now three semesters ago, one of my courses was focused entirely on preparing our dissertation proposal. We spent the semester writing a draft of our proposal, which was our main grade for the course. I ended up taking an incomplete for the semester (most of us did), to buy a little more time to work on my proposal. Our instructor actually encouraged this, because, as she said, dissertations are not written within the arbitrary deadlines of a semester. Boy, have I proved that to be true...

Needless to say, what I submitted that July totally sucked. It still was not anywhere where I needed it to be at the time. Nor is it there yet.

As I sit here trying to crank this thing out today, it strikes me as interesting to think about what that class prepared me for, and what it didn't. Our professor did a great job of outlining the different sections, what is included and what isn't. For example, no adjectives. None. As someone who LOVES adjectives, you can imagine that this is not just a challenge, but a MAJOR challenge. She also gave us a document outlining the major grammatical errors that PhD candidates tend to make in their dissertations. A good reminder to proofread. And most importantly, she told us, when in doubt, go back to the literature. I have had to do this many, many times.

But when it comes to the things that I wish someone would have explained to me, they are as follows:

You will spend about triple the amount of time thinking about your dissertation as you will spend actually writing it. Maybe I am alone here. Maybe I am just trigger shy. But I find myself having to walk away from my computer a lot. It doesn't mean that my brain turns off, or that I am distracted by something else. In fact, I am usually stepping away to mentally process something I just typed and/or read. I walked to the coffee shop around the corner, and spent the whole trip processing my rationale, and what it would look like if I mapped it via post-its. Then when I came home, I mapped the post-its. I later wandered down to our basement to find a book that I needed, and stood there pondering the concept of "goodness" in qualitative research for about 20 minutes. This feels both productive and unproductive at the same time.

You might spend just as much time reading dissertations as you will writing yours. As I try to piece together what a dissertation should look like, I have found that I learn best by example. As I start to write my key concepts, or some other component of this thing, I find myself having to go back to see how someone else did it. Thanks to those that have shared their proposals with me. I also spend a significant amount of time reading bibliographies to see what others read and cited, and then even more time trying to find those articles.

You will find yourself hitting a peak of productivity right when it comes time to do something else. Ugh. This is annoying. These past three days, I have been the most productive between 1 and 5 pm. I am just finally hitting my stride when it is time to make dinner, or to go look at washing machines, or for date night at the movies (Don't worry Chris, I do still want to see Lincoln tonight!). When what I really need is to just keep writing It's not that I didn't plan my day around these things happening. It's just that I spent my morning mucking through all the crap in my head. And by 4:30 pm, when it's time to roll out pizza dough, I am saying, "Crap. Why couldn't I have been in this awesome groove at 10 o'clock this morning?" If it makes me unreasonably crabby, I apologize. I have a feeling that it is going to be hard to pull myself away to celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow. Because I just want to read and write about phenomenology. I'll make time for the parade and for eating. But that may be it.

I am thankful that friends that have come before me and other faculty have given some good advice too:

"All diets are off during the dissertation process." - Shelley
-Evidenced by the rows of Oreos that I ate today.

"Write something everyday, even if it is just a sentence." - Leah (via Janelle)
- I am working on this one. I wrote it on a post-it as a reminder.

"Copy someone else's methodology. You are not the first to do this type of study. Don't make it harder than it needs to be." - One of my professors.
- This was not an okay to plagiarize, but an acknowledgement that there are only so many ways to collect data.

"A good dissertation is a done dissertation." - My advisor
- A good reminder to get out of my head and get this ish done. I am not in this for any awards. I do not anticipate a research career ahead of me. I just want to finish.

Many have said what an isolating process this is. It is the one thing in the educational process that you do totally by yourself. So if I seem a little crazy or distracted, it is because my brain is going 100 miles an hour right now, but sometimes it feels like it's going in reverse. Dissertations come with a lot of mind games.

Current page count: 39

Writing Week

My study buddy. He is anything but helpful.

This week is one that I am lovingly/begrudgingly referring to as Writing Week.  I took the whole week off from work to work on my dissertation proposal. Which may explain my stink face when I tell you that I am off this week and you tell me to "Enjoy it." Not exactly.

Rather than enjoyment, what this week really looks like is more like this:

• Using Freedom to minimize distractions. It may seem silly to have to lock my computer off from the Internet for hours at a time, but going "off the grid" seems to work.
• Setting a timer for 50-minute intervals of work, with 10 minute breaks built in to do things like taking out the trash, checking Pinterest, etc. There are hour-increments where I count down the minutes until that break time. Who knew that doing the dishes could sound so exciting?! 
• Opening multiple windows in the house, despite the cold air coming in, to try to distract the cats so that they stop crawling across my laptop and notes, confused as to why I am home. If it means that I have to wear the zebra-print snuggie while I work, so be it. 
• Eating strange combinations of snacks, most of them not healthy, like the leftover Jack's pizza and mint Oreos with coffee for breakfast. Diets are off during Writing Week. 
• Staring at my notes for long periods of time, trying to figure out what magical sentence that I can add that will make this thing feel like it is coming together. And/or finding that one citation that I need that demonstrates that I am not making this up because experts have already said it.
• Finding at least one errand that I can run during the day as an excuse to leave the house.

While this self-imposed week of focus may seem like torture at times, it was necessary to set aside some solid time to work on this thing. Because after a long day of working and coming home to make dinner, it is really hard to want to sit down and write some more. I am hoping to work through large chunks of this proposal this week, so that I can spend future writing time focusing on tweaks and additions.

Here goes. Writing Week: Day 2.

A Timeline

It has begun. What I like to call Dissertation Beast Mode.

On Thursday, I made some decisions regarding what needs to happen to finish my dissertation thanks to the help of a wonderful faculty member. And it started with setting a very aggressive timeline:

• January - Draft to committee members.
• March - Proposal to committee/oral exams.
• May - Begin data collection.
• October/November - Defend.
• December - Graduate.

What does this mean? It means that I may be saying no to some other things. I am committed to my current volunteer opportunities, but won't be taking on any more. There may be less fun things on my plate. I may live in the same house as Chris, but we may spend a lot less time together. Sad face. But my reality is that this is the only way that I am going to get it done. I cannot be a student forever. And I refuse to be happy with "ABD." It also means that some of the other 30B430 goals are on hold. Blogging may decrease too. Dissertating kinda has to be a goal all by itself. This is the goal that I care about the most.

Next steps include setting smaller benchmarks. Reading a lot. And writing something everyday. One of the best pieces of advice that I have received is to write something everyday, even if it is only a sentence. It keeps the work fresh in your mind. Which may have been the hardest part of stopping and starting again.

Current page count: 5

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...

A very good place to start.

(Do you love The Sound of Music as much as I do? I consider it one of the best movies of all time.)

I have officially called a do-over on my dissertation proposal. Well, I am 95% sure. I do need to check in with my advisor.

Most people would say that this is not the time to start over. That my decision is totally crazy. Why would I put in a semester's worth of work just to decide to scrap it? But here is my reality:

1. I wrote the initial draft of my proposal over a year ago, and then did not look at it again until this summer.
2. I have spent the majority of the summer trying to pick it back up, and have had to spend the majority of that time just re-reading the literature to find a way back in.
3. The study I was initially proposing was not feeling quite so realistic. At least in my current plan. And I am more concerned with finishing and writing something good than spending the next 10 years trying to do something ground breaking (which I am sure that my proposal was not). I will save that for after I have those letters after my name.
4. It was not bad work, but it really was not very good. Sort of all over the place, without much direction. My instructor's feedback says as much.
5. I am already way more excited about the potential for my new study. And I think I can actually do it.

So here I am. Back to the drawing board. Not starting totally from scratch though. This new topic emerged from my initial proposal, and I will be able to use some of the literature review and possibly parts of my methodology. But I have  a whole lot of reading to do, and even more writing. I have given myself a deadline of February, although I would like to have it done sooner.

I probably should have known this would happen. In both my undergraduate and graduate classes, I could only write a paper to the deadline - that is what they taught us in journalism school. If I started too far in advance, I would always scrap it and start over. A bad habit when it comes time to do that PhD. My procrastination and perfectionism are in an epic battle as we speak.

New mantra: Write something every day. And not just a blog post.

Guilt

Remember that time that I was a PhD student? Yeah, I seem to have forgotten.

Over the weekend, I pulled out my dissertation proposal. And then I cried. For real.

It is hard to admit that I had not looked at it in almost a year. And when I finally pulled it out again, I just felt lost and overwhelmed. I could not even begin to tell you what I had been working on last summer. What I still needed to read, or even what I had already finished reading. I definitely cannot identify where I left off or where I need to get started now, outside of the notes from my faculty member. Which are basically awful. How did I let it get this far? I'm just really sad, and disappointed in myself, and not sure how to restart. At this point, I wonder if it would just be easier to start over.

My supervisor asked me yesterday if I wanted to finish. He said that it is okay if I don't, a lot of people do not finish. But he said that if I decide not to finish, I have to be okay with it and let it go.

I have thought about it a lot, and lost a lot of sleep. I do want to finish. I have put in too much time, energy, and money to stop now. I still want to propose in the fall. But I need to commit to buckling down and getting it done. I need to work on it every single day. And, most importantly, I have to find some way to get back into it.

I thought comps were hard, but this is definitely the hard part. Sigh.

I PASSED! #13 is complete.

I could not have been more excited to get the call yesterday. I passed my comprehensive exams!

That test was by far one of the hardest that I have ever taken, so join me in a collective sigh (phew!) and a big loud WAHOOOOO!

A big congrats to the other test takers, who also all passed. People often think that the test cannot be that big of a deal if everyone passes. However, each person worked so hard for that test. It was by no means a gimme.

I suppose I'll bask in this joy a little bit longer before returning to all of the work still ahead. Today I feel smart. But all it takes is pulling out the latest version of my dissertation proposal to go back to feeling like a dummy. Yeah...I'll stick with feeling smart for now.

Dunzo!

I have returned from St. Louis and my test is done. It was probably the most challenging test that I have ever taken. And boy, did it wipe me out. I'm still recovering and slowly become less of a zombie. Just given me one moment while I turn my brain back on. Now I just have to patiently wait for my results for the next month or so... I would really love to check passed my comps (#13) off the list!

Speaking of zombies - now that all my studying is done, it is time to start planning for a Halloween costume! Halloween is probably my favorite holiday of the year. I firmly believe in homemade, creative, and non-slutty costumes. In fact, my inspiration most often comes from costumes intended for small children. In the past, I have been the statue of liberty, a pig, the tooth fairy, and most recently Princess Peach in a group of Mario and friends. For this year, I have found a number of great ideas on Pinterest including:

This mermaid costume. Check out the amazing tail, made with cupcake liners! (Picture originally from here)

This adorable sheep! This may be a winner - black shirt, leggings, and a hoodie covered in hundreds of cotton balls - sold! (Photo originally from here)

I love the washing machine. So cute.  Although I'm feeling like a box could be a little bulky. (Photo originally from here).

I had to pin this photo, because my sister is an alumna of Chi Omega. Such a cute owl costume! (Photo originally found here).

Gotta love the gingerbread man costume. Totally makes me think of Shrek. (Photo originally found here).

I hope it doesn't seem creepy that these are all kids costumes. I promise I'm not a weirdo, just a big kid at heart who really hates most all adult costumes are typically pretty trashy. Looks like it's time to do some crafting...

On another note, I can check #21 off the list. More details to come soon!

It's the Final Countdown

It's here! My exam is tomorrow.

It's challenging to prepare mentally for six hours in front of a computer, typing everything I know about higher education into coherent essays.  I have run through notecards, practiced outlining, and written out practice questions. At this point, I think I have crammed in all of the information that I can. And now I just have to be able to spit it back out and have it make sense.

I've got my snacks packed, my comfy clothes laid out, and my alarm set. It's go time.

Study, Study, Study

I have taken over my mom's dining room and am using it as a study den. This means that the french doors have become a makeshift timeline for the history of higher education. Works pretty well.

What doesn't work well...

Yup, one of the cats (because I currently live with four), vommed on my study materials. Yep. Gross.

None of them have fessed up yet. I am less than pleased. How will I study how colleges work? I guess that means I should skip that part. Take that Birnbaum!

It would really be helpful to have a little more motivation right now. 

Six days and counting...

Making it Happen

You will note that #13 on my 30B430 list reads: Pass My Comps.

I am currently on my last semester of coursework towards my PhD in Higher Education. And to cap off that experience and demonstrate my learning, I am asked to sit for a full day comprehensive exam, in less than two weeks - 12 days to be exact. I will write a comprehensive morning question for three hours, take a break for lunch, and then do three one-hour afternoon questions. Eeek!

Do I feel prepared? Not exactly. Some of the courses that I'm being tested on were ones that I took back in Fall 2005 during my master's program. Not only was that a long time ago, I was attending a different university, and the courses used different readings and materials. Which means that I spent the last week reading this lovely book, in preparation:

It's not that I dislike Robert Birnbaum or his thoughts on the organization and administration of higher education. It was just a lot of my study time to devote to only one area of my test preparation. Meaning that now I really need to focus on the law and history of higher education (exciting stuff, I know), and student development theory. 

How important is this test? Well, if I don't pass it, I cannot proceed with my dissertation proposal, which is the next step before I can start my research. It would also put me back roughly a year, as I'm not available for the spring exam date. So yeah, kind of a big deal....

I took today off, to plug away at my review and squeeze in a few practice questions. Here's hoping that my brain doesn't turn into mush and that I use the time well. Basically all other things are on hold at this point. My apologies to my friends and family. 

Unexpected Expenses and Major Updates

I haven't posted in awhile due to an unfortunate event....the loss of my laptop. It first started having problems in September, and after several attempts to repair, the blue screen of death (complete with the "fatal error" message), showed up on my screen just after Thanksgiving. This has been a difficult loss, and I'm still debating what I am going to do. I will definitely need to purchase a new one, but I'm going to see who has the best post holiday sales before making any quick purchases. I would love to get a Mac Book, rather than another Dell. I have heard that Apple will sell their older computer models at a discount, even though they only advertise the newest ones. I'm going ot look into it, but I think that the price tag might be a little too steep no matter what. For what I'm using it for, probably better to stick with the cheaper options.


One major purchase that I made (prior to the laptop disaster), was an iPhone. You are probably thinking...if you don't have any money, why would you buy an iPhone, that's crazy! I've been wanting one for over a year, and had been weighing the pros and cons for quite some time. After consistently getting the free phones that come with the plan. I decided to treat myself to a really nice phone, with the understanding that Grandma and Santa would be covering that credit card bill. I was able to pay for the entire phone with my Christmas money. Although my monthly plan has gone up quite a bit, I have already found that the phone helps me to be more functional. Plus, it is also an iPod, something that I didn't have and was hoping to purchase. I do believe in treating myself every once in awhile, and this was certainly my big treat for the year.



Two major updates:



First, I got a roommate.



After living by myself for the past three and a half years, a friend moved in with me in September. It has been great having someone else around, and it certainly helps with the monthly expenses when you can split everything. It's amazing the other things that I've been able to focus my money towards because I have that much more income available each month...I've actually been able to save some! Living with a roommate can be challenging, and it's a decision that I thought about quite a bit beforehand, but it has been a great experience so far.



My roomie is also financially conscious, and so she and I have been trying one technique together to be more thrifty - our "End of the Month" list. This is the list of all the things we'd like to buy at the end of the month, should we be able to save our money until then. We don't entirely limit spending, but we try not to make any big purchases until after the 15th of the month. We have found that it is really easy to spend most of your paycheck within the first weekend, which can make for an awful end of the month. By waiting on the big things, it also makes for a fun challenge to see how much you can save until the end. In November, I was able to buy all new bedding, something I'd been waiting to get for the past year. Sadly, December required a payment of personal property tax for my car, so there wasn't a whole lot leftover, but I already have my list started for January.



The other big decision that I made was to register for classes at the university where I work. As an employee, we are able to take a certain number of classes as part of our benefits package each year. With the turn that the economy has taken, I don't think, that there is a better benefit than free education right now. With tuition costs continuing to rise, I'm going to take advantage of every free class I can take right now. If it means achieving another degree, I will be able to be that much further ahead when I take my next step in my career. It will be several years before I'll even be close to the PhD, but Dr. K does have a nice ring to it!

That's what I've been up to for the last few months. With this holiday break, I have all sorts of post ideas saved up from the last few months that I just might get to now!

K